Behind the picture Friday

I am all green and elegant in this photo.

I was supposed to go out today, do some grocery shopping and meet my mom for lunch, but unfortunately when I was almost one foot over the threshold I realised that Robert took my wallet with him to work (he was buying someting on Wednesday and forgot to give the wallet back to me), so without any money for shopping or a bus ticket I stayed at home and decided to devote my time to some craft activities and blogging!

All's well that ends well! *^v^*

(Although it means going shopping in the evening, when everybody's there after work... *sigh*)

Alice asked me yesterday how was my working-from-home routine. Well...
It's getting better than it was!

But it's not so easy to explain, so let's start from the beginning:

Okay, let's be honest, I'm not that cheerful and happy-all-the-time person as I may seem from the smiles on my photos and colourful clothing. All these are just signs of a one desperate woman trying to fight her depression. Now, it sounded very grim and serious, and it isn't THAT serious (I'm not on anti-depression medication, life is generally okay, ect) but the last 2,5 years after I left my 9-5 job wasn't easy. It was a different type of "difficult" than before.

First phase was the following: I don't have to get up tomorrow at 7 and go to the office. Which was good! ^^ But then it was very weird, because for some time I felt separated from my office desk. I get attached to things easily, and when you were coming to work everyday for 6 years and saw your desk, with all your stationary supplies, a computer, a board with important notes, ect, it was somehow reassuring and you felt safe in life. And then I became a woman without her desk. Of course I had my desk at home, but it was different, it wasn't THE desk - my workplace.

Second phase started when I finally agreed that it WASN'T strange not to be obliged to go the office everyday - I felt free, creative, inspired by many things that surrounded me, I redecorated our flat, we payed our debts, got married, and I generally was a happy housewife with crafty hobbies. *^v^*

But then one day my best friend Anna, Robert and myself gathered in our living room and talked about the posibility to open a shop. And it all seemed reasonable, with setting up a business, taking some loans, buying and making stuff to sell. We agreed on main issues, opened a shop, had it for six months, then closed the 'real' shop and stayed only in the virtual reality. (more about it here)

I've been thinking about our shop many times and it often ocurred to me that it wasn't my dream to have it. No. It was Anna's dream and Robert's dream. And Robert couldn't just leave his 9 to 5 job and throw himself into this new risky business, so I stood in his place. Why did I agree on it even when I wasn't convinced that it was what I wanted?
Well...
I knew I'll be a crap behind the counter (which turned out to be 100% true) because I am a loner, I don't need a lot of company and I'm scared of meeting many new people, being nice to them when I have to, ect.
I never considered gothic style as MY style, I liked many styles, different costumes, and I suffered when I had to dress accordingly while being in our shop, when I felt like wearing pink t-shirt with green trousers and red shoes.
But...
~ I could sew, I had some costume ideas.
~ I could be Robert's 'representative' in our shop, when he was in the office, so I could try and realize his dream for him.
~ I felt guilty. I felt that I don't bring any money to our piggy bank, so I think I felt obliged to take this task upon me and be useful and productive.
~ Maybe I wanted to prove something to my family, or to myself? That I am worth something, that I can make living in other way than just 9 to 5 job?

Then time passed and we carried on somehow, our shop had its ups and downs, and it's been over two years now since we opened this business (in the meantime I started to make things and sell them through some online galleries). We even thought about giving it time till the end of 2006 and then closing it down (the income hardly covered the accountant's and insurance expenses), but then we decided to try a bit longer. It could fly really high, I think, with somebody who is enthusiastic about this type of merchandise, with a person devoted to gothic fashion, determined to carry on irrespective of a small Polish gothic scene hence few buyers.
But am I that person? I'm not sure. I can see that Robert is, but again one of us has to bring regular income each month... I may have some ideas for merchandise but when it comes to producing it - drawing patterns, cutting the fabric, sewing, ect, I find millions other things to do and postpone it as long as I can. What does it say about my attitude to MY shop when I would even vacuum the whole flat or clean the dishes than sit at the sewing machine?...

I don't know what's been happening to me for all this time. Is it just me being lazy or is it really not my place, not my dream I am trying to live?

Whereas some time ago I found my crafty basis:
My mission is: to fully concentrate on fabric and yarns to find my own way of expressing my ideas with the use of fiber.
I'm not sure whether this rule applies to this business.

I also looked at the second point of my manifesto, which I wrote last September:
2. My on-line gothic shop should be my prior concern and first of all I'll be concentrating on products for this shop - sewn & knitted, I may add some jewelery, but only if the first two product types have been supplied;

Well, of course it should be, if I wanted it to be successful and bring some money, but it wasn't. I'm afraid it never was a priority. I've been trying to live somebody else's dream, and even so I've been scared to let it go because I haven't found my own dream yet. And I didn't want to disappoint Robert's hopes he put into this shop. I'm still not ready to let it go because I would feel I wasted those two years of hard work of others, some fame our shop gained over this time, opportunities that still maybe lie in there for me.

But...

Let's go back to the sentence that started this long train of thoughts:
It's getting better than it was!
Frankly speaking, I find more and more pleasure in making things for OUR shop. This weekend I'm going to add new stuff - 8 Elisabethan corsets, and I've already planned to make new models next week out of different fabrics. I have ideas! I dug out my old WIPs and will be finishing them in the next few days. I find pleasure in customers' mails with questions about some products that are not available at the moment. I found my way of working - I go to my living room (I don't have a studio unfortunately) and sit at the table with a sewing machine on it in SILENCE. I used to work there with a tv on or some music in the background but it just distracted me from what I was doing.

Something is changing in me so I change things around me. Maybe it's my homeopatic medicine that I take for strengthtening my immunity system? (I found out that this medicine is also given to patients with a depression...) *^v^*

To finish off with some knitting, here is the first photo of my "I'm Blue..." scarf.
Yarn: from my stash without labels but very soft,
Needles: bamboo 4,5 mm,
Pattern: my own (trials&error method! ^^), I'll post it when it's finished.

Please disregard mudprints on the windowsill, it's our cat's... ^^

Behind the picture Friday

Here is my Friday picture, and just looking at it you cannot tell that:
- I'm going to my parents' tonight for their 32nd wedding anniversary dinner,
- I found this beautiful blouse on Tuesday for just 2$!
- I sewn this dress myself last night (yes, finally some FO to show!) out of a nice warm wool that's been lying around for more than 5 years in my fabric cupboard (or maybe even longer...),
- I called this dress "Taming of the Grey" because as you know I don't like wearing grey... Well, I must admit it's growing on me. ^^
- I bought these tights on Wednesday and I'm in love with them, although blue/turquoise is not my favourite colour,
- the green velvet thingy around my neck is a kind of shrug I bought online from some Polish indie designer and it was the only thing from her collection I liked, because the rest were just grey jersey turtlenecks...
- the shoes have been with me for over two years and they are comfortable, my favourites, my beloved, and I'm scared one day they will fall apart and I'll have to find another pair but it won't be the same,

Imbolc
Today is the Imbolc holiday, time to celebrate the first signs if Spring, new beginnings, cleaning our space around us as well as inside our bodies and souls. Although the weather has been very funny this year (the first snow and frost came only last week), last night all the snow melted and I can see the green grass again, as if just in time for the Imbolc celebration. And I even dressed accordingly today (unconsciously), wearing white for the milk and snow, silver/grey for the Moon Goddess and green for the Spring shoots. ^^
I'm looking forward to a new chapter in my relations with my mother (it's been really better recently), I'm waiting for new inspirations to my work, I'm working on my immunity issues and I can see the first results, I'm thinking positive about the recent changes in Robert's work (although it's always a bit scarry and uncertain).
I wish you all wonderful new beginnings and creativity and joy in all you do! *^o^*

Behind the picture Friday

I grabbed this idea from Shash's blog and decided it sounded like fun! *^v^*
So here is my Friday picture:

And things you cannot see here are:

- last night I've been using this bellydance belt at the dance class,

- during that class I had an unexpected end-of-term exam!...

- at which I scored 95 out of 100 points *^v^*

- but last semester I scored 97, so I am a little bit behind my abilities (although I've been fighting with my health and immunity problems for the last few months, and, anyway, I'm not doing this for points, so who cares! ^^)

- I figured out that I am probably the oldest person attending dance classes in my Dance School, well... (most girls are between 15 and 19)

- which is intimidating when I am in the changing room, because I am the only one with cellulitis on my thighs and a bit flabby underarms...

- sometimes I wish I had the body of myself when I was 15 (it was 17 years and 10 kilos ago... ^^)

- but, as my wonderful husband said, I will probably be the only one to continue dancing in one years time, when all the other girls get bored with it and pursue other things, as often teenagers do. *^v^*

Anyway, I got my diploma of finishing the Bronze level and I enlisted for the next term classes, which will be the Silver level. Which means a lot of shimmy practice (which I hate because I cannot do this, but it's good because I'll have to do it and maybe one day I will master this move! *^-^*).

[trying to think positive... ^^]

Last night for the first time in my life I saw my real self in a mirror - I saw the face and the body of a woman of 32. Which doesn't mean I suddenly saw an old hag, but I realised my real age. I've always felt young, (I still do! ^^), but I think my sight stopped somewhere around early 20's and decided to still perceive myself as a twenty-something girl. And I'm not her anymore. Which is good, because everything needs to change and all changes lead to something, to some development into another stage.

I've never been an age-freak, I've never cried over the first wrinkle (and the next ones...), I just seemed not to notice the time flow - maybe because not much changed in my life between the time when I was 20 till now (or maybe I should change the light in my bathroom or clean the mirror properly... ^^). I mean, I moved apartments, I got married, I got and lost my office job, ect, but the most important things stayed the same - I've been with the same beloved man for 14 years now, I've been a medieval reenactor and a craftsperson all this time, I kept the same friendships. Maybe if I had a child I would feel older/more grown up-like, but I didn't. I changed internally, emotionally, but my mind somehow refused to notice that fact on the outside.

And whereas I'll always find the little girl in me, or the crazy teenager side of me, I can proudly state that I am a woman now - both in my mind and in my appearance which I am fully aware of. Not that I'm going to give up on improving my figure ^^, but I'll be approaching it with greater awareness, understanding and forgiveness. *^-^*

I've been tagged by Sherri to write six weird things about myself, so here they are:

1. I can sleep even in the most uncomfortable environments, I once fell asleep in a room where my husband and his friends played a very noisy computer game, and my head was just next to the speaker. I slept like a baby! ^^

2. When I'm in a bathtub I like to fill it with water up to the brim and then stay in it till all the water flows out, still keeping an open tap (not very economical usage of water, I know...)

3. My favourite taste is hot and sour at the same time, like Korean kimchi cabbage, for example. In fact it doesn't have to be hot, but must be sour! ^^

4. I can hear and cannot stand some sounds that normal people don't even hear (probably dogs can hear them, too). Last Wednesday at the concert something went wrong with the sound mixer and it gave out a long persistent squeek. All the people around me heard it but went on with their conversations, I HAD to leave the room almost immediately because I felt sick and VERY uncomfortable. If you want me to stay away from you just switch on one of those electronic anti-mosquito devices!...

5. I don't like answering the phone and often don't do this (my friend who is constantly on the phone with somebody cannot understand it...), I prefer to speak with people in person or send and email/text message.

6. I could go to bed with dirty feet, dirty anything else, even teeth (not that it happens! ^^), but I always HAVE TO have my hands clean. If I was on a desert and had only half a glass of water, I would drink some of it and wash my hands with the rest.

Okay, these are my six weird things, I don't know if they are that weird but that's all that comes to my mind right now. If you read this feel tagged! *^v^*

To end up, my winter wonderland: